Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
