Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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