tell your sister to shave her snatch
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
