Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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