He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
