Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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