he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
