Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize