dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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