Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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