Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
