dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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