Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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