OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize