Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
