and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
