Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
