Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize