that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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