I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize