I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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