my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
