I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize