Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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