After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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