Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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