Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
