woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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