She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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