I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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