So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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