And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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