I just cut my nipple shaving
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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