Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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