Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
