Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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