lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
