Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
