I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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