I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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