I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
