im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
