My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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