it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
