Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
