You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
