Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
