The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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