Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize