I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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