i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
