I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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