When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize