I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
