Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
