worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
