i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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