Your tits are I can't wait for
you traded sex for a burrito?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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