Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
