We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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