I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
