I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
