When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize