you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
