Who did Billy Mays play for?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize