tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
