Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
