I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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