My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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