I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
