god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
